Her up seems to be my down. We are on a sort-of a teeter- totter here. Frankly, it was so much more peaceful about the house when she was not so well. Sad, I know, but true. She didn’t have the energy to boss us around and sneak up all hours of the night and still get into things throughout the entire day. There was no cursing, no screaming, and no fighting. Things have all flipped back around now and Susan is up- up and about and back to work managing everything and everyone around her.
It takes me back to playgrounds of my childhood when teeter tottering made for fun and thrills on the playground yard. With the exception of when, on the other end of the totter, was someone I wasn’t so sure that I trusted. I loved the thrill of the up side, me on top- them planted securely on the ground! Often my fun was overshadowed by my fear that my teeter- totter partner would jump off without any warning, causing gravity to slam my end of the teeter straight to the ground! For all of you who share this memory with me, you know that the worst part was the plop of my bony butt as I hit the seat. I dreaded that tailbone pain so much that I often spent my time at the top with one foot dangling lower than the other in preparation of the totters’ antics. From that position I was more prepared to stop the fall downward and prevent the blow to my rear end.
So here we are, Susan and I, teeter- tottering through life- life, that is, as we know it around here. Suddenly I realize that I have forgotten to dangle my foot these past few months! What was I thinking? My complacency has made me vulnerable. Naturally than, I was totally unprepared for the dreaded plop! Consequently, this downfall is causing me a pain in the… well, you know.
Don’t get me wrong now; physically she is doing fabulous, but mentally, not so much. Like yesterday when she spent the morning looking for her truck and preparing to pay her rent. None of my answers satisfied her concern over these things. We took her along as we ran minor errands in town. Her voice from the back seat was non-stop chatter about stopping at the nearest police station to make a stolen truck report. And the office! When were we going to stop there so she could pay up, she wondered aloud. No matter what we (in the front seat) were talking about, she was sure it was about her business. She interrupted repeatedly and when she did not get immediate answers she got louder and more demanding. When we told her that filing false reports might land her in jail, she determined we should instead head to the truck dealership to let them settle the stolen truck deal. Ahhhhh!
It is her world in her brain all based on bits of accurate memories from the past interspersed with what she sees and hears now- all colliding together in her brain to create total chaos. There is no reasoning ability left, which makes any attempts at reasoning more than just difficult; it makes it impossible. I remind myself that her brain is doing the best with what it is given. It would be similar to a computer that is attacked by a virus that jumbled all the info and deleted any files and programs so that things floated freely around and appeared on the screen randomly and in no order. What could the user do with that?
Last week she mostly stayed down and was peaceful. We were all peaceful. But Monday came! It was like a senior citizens edition of sleeping beauty. Suddenly without warning, Susan just woke up without any apparent pain. She woke up hungry and ready to fight for everything she wanted. She has fought and yelled and cussed more this week than she did for the past few months put together. She has been up all day- up at nights and has almost talked non-stop since the awakening occurred. Teeter- totter- teeter- totter
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