Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Holidays Without Her


No, Susan was not physically here with us during the holidays, but everywhere I turned, there she was! I saw her in the colors of fall: the brilliant golds, warm oranges and bursts of crimson…she really loved those colors.

For Christmas I borrowed a tree and decorated it with new colors that I loved…colors I had never allowed myself to use. In fact, this year I never even unpacked the sentimental ones; don’t know when…if…I ever will. Susan’s cross, the blingy ornament that I bought her two years ago, appeared. Funny thing, it never had hung on a tree; Susan wouldn’t let it. She kept it in her purse and would periodically rediscover it as she stirred through her purse looking for…um…something. Sometimes she would stir through her purse for hours and in the process, rediscover the cross over and over. She would hold it in her hand and stare at it as if she had never seen it before. She would smile at it as one might smile at the first sight of a long lost friend. “Look Karen!” she would turn it my way with pride on her face. “Wow Susan! That is beautiful!” I would say over and over.



Susan’s holiday snow globe somehow found its way back into our living room. Periodically I would hear its music begin to play and turn to look…instead of Susan’s hands holding the glass ball and her face looking dreamily at the little manger scene inside, there were little hands winding the music up and shaking the snow. Susan’s little snow globe had become my granddaughter’s happy pleasure. Everywhere, Susan was here…her name was still on gift tags… her favorite holiday cookies sat unbought on store shelves. Susan still made us laugh; we laughed as periodically someone would spontaneously say, “Remember when she…” She made us cry because we miss her. She made us smile; just quiet smiles- the knowing ones. So yup, we made it through the first holidays without her, in a way.